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Disappear

by Tea Leaf

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1.
Actor 02:53
I can’t wait to begin the treatment for love when it ends My nerves will depend on how you sever, your dear friend I’m merely an actor, I never belonged Real affection alludes me ‘cause I’m dumb I won’t trust anybody, I know that I’m wrong I can’t wait to begin the dreams or delusions to kick in Where you’re somebody who won’t turn away when I’m sad I’m merely an actor, I never belonged Real affection alludes me ‘cause I’m dumb I won’t trust anybody, I know that I’m wrong At least I won’t get hurt when you’re gone I can’t wait to begin to feel alone again I’m merely an actor, I never belonged Real affection alludes me ‘cause I’m dumb I won’t trust anybody, I know that I’m wrong At least I won’t get hurt when I’m done
2.
Curtain tricks, windows pause for the sunset to strip Appealing with our eyes, fired up watching it A reasonable time to embrace and admit Reliable, I’m not what you expect Infallible, a constant emotional thread You’re always on the move to a better mess I’m always on the move for a steady head Sirens call, darkness wails till it dampens the roar My ears are ringing like a violent war Bullets are aimed at my feverous heart You’ll watch me choke as teen years scupper my shots Presents given, wrapped in superfluous knots I’m bound by a string of unfortunate luck Dates roll by, I think this calendar’s stuck I know that I am blessed with some nasty fits I know that you can hardly make sense out of it I know the fear has taken an icy grip I know that I have made an incredible slip Reliable, I’m not what you expect Infallible, yes, constant emotional threat You’re always on the move to a better mess I’m always trying hard for a steady head
3.
Disappear 04:07
I was a mess when I came to your house You thought that I wasn’t so bad We took to the night And danced in the ‘fire’ to my ‘panic’ marathon And I saw you kiss someone unlike me when we were in the underground The moment seemed still for what felt like a week Before we both turned around What can I do when I want to disappear Where can I go to escape this poison air It took a few days, when I took a few months “You still alive? it’s been forever and I miss you” The world muscles through without taking a breath And I’m grateful you’re noticing But my mind is wired, and not ready for this too much fear in the oxygen I wrote you a note, and it read like abyss and left it under Palahniuk What can I do when I want to disappear Where can I go to escape this poison air Formulating letters I’m too scared to send Walked out into a winter that never ends Caught without friends, before the start of New Year I’ve regressed and I’m lost in my bed Alone in my head, alone with my stress with the thought hanging, ‘I’d rather be dead’ Routine loops around me in a hapless bend until it’s crushed under a broken press Turned into a ghost, and nobody knows You broke away from me when I said What can I do when I want to disappear Where can I go to escape this poison air
4.
Perspective 03:08
I’m sorry, I can’t do this, I can’t help you I just make you worse, I’m no good for you I flake, I feel guilty, and I can’t spend time with you I feel shit and I’m anxious whenever I think of you I am angry and sad at the things you say to me I’ve gotta stand up for myself, I’ve gotta be selfish and leave The thing is I’m sick as well, it’s not fair what you do You can’t use your mental illness to manipulate me too You said I’m evil to you, and cut yourself because of me You tried to kill yourself ‘cause I won’t talk to you And if you keep trying then, I don’t know what to do I can’t be around you, I can’t do this anymore It’s making me miserable, this thing is toxic And i won’t let you, so fuck you I’m cutting you off I cared so much for you, but I couldn’t, and don’t help you No matter what you say, with every word that you say It is bullshit, you are bullshit, don’t speak to me ever again
5.
Obituaries 02:01
I didn’t make it out in time before everything collapsed And in my head’s obituaries, there are some things that I wanted to say, but I was too early to break And now you’re probably feigning ‘okay’ While harbouring a chest full of hate Remember when you used to ask to meet me after work I’d play guitar, you’d fall asleep, and I really miss those hours of peace; where it was just you, the cat and me, Before the time I’d cut into my skin Before the time you’d turn to beat me in With words that stick like ‘poison’ to the brain I get it, I am ‘vile’ and ‘shit’ and ‘insane’
6.
Tomorrow You will feel better Direct your anger at me now Tomorrow There’ll be no answers We’ll stop all our questions and leave it now Tomorrow I’ll leave an excuse Hide it in the truth Believe me now Tomorrow There’ll be no agendas One simple answer to leave you now Goodbye for now

about

Disappear is a stark collection of tracks that intimately chronicles Tom’s depression, and its subsequent effect on personal relationships - detailing at times, raw accounts of anxiety and loneliness, while addressing themes such as panic episodes, self-harm, and suicide. There is a softness to these recordings that could be disguised as comforting, with sparse vocal-acoustic guitar arrangements, punctured only by the concise lyrics leading the narration.

Despite its bleakness, there is an undercurrent of self-awareness, compassion and reflection; the songs were written as a private emotional channel, but its journal-like offering allows listeners an opportunity to relate, connect, and hopefully, feel; hope.

credits

released September 21, 2018

remastered by Tom Woodhead

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Tea Leaf Leeds, UK

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